Showing Up When Hard Things Happen
Meeting grief at the door
Hello friends,
This Saturday is Grief Awareness Day and instead of hearing from me, I thought it would be fun to invite my friend, podcast host and author of Grief is a Sneaky Bitch, Lisa Keefauver, to share some helpful tips on showing up for yourself and others when grief walks through the door. Lisa is a social worker who knows grief well having lost her wonderful husband Eric fourteen years ago this month. Her advice is backed by research and her clinical experience so take notes!
You know I love my friends and love giving away their books so of course we will be giving away a copy of Grief is a Sneaky Bitch, so read on for entry details.
Congrats to Dawn who won last week’s giveaway.
I hope you enjoy these final days of summer.
xxMarisa
In honor of Grief Awareness Day, I’m offering up some helpful tips to help ensure you feel prepared to show up, hold space for, and bear witness to the people in your life going through hard things. Before you say, “Oh I don’t know anyone who’s grieving,” remember we grieve as a result of so many types of losses, which means 100% of us will experience grief multiple times in our lives.
Right now, someone you know is likely grieving the:
death of someone they loved (even those they were estranged from).
diagnosis of a terminal illness or life-limiting chronic illness or injury, their own or of someone they love.
ending of a relationship, a dream, a job, or even a place.
sense of safety they lost after experiencing a traumatic event.
The time to show up thoughtfully for a griever in your life is now. That’s true even if someone you know faced their loss a few months, or even a few years ago. It’s not too late to show up, I promise. But before you do, there are some grief beliefs you likely need to ditch first.
Five myths about grief you need to ditch
Your role is to fix their pain: Grief is a normal response to loss; it’s not a problem to be solved. Instead, I invite you to walk alongside them. Help them carry the weight. And when it’s too much to carry, sit down with them while they rest for a while.
There is one right way to get over grief: There is no one right way or magic formula for moving forward with grief. The goal isn’t to leave grief behind. Grief becomes a part of our story, not our whole story, though it can feel that way in the beginning.
You can see someone’s grief: Grief is the internal experience of responding to loss. Grieving, sometimes referred to as mourning, is the outward-facing expression and response to the loss. You can’t tell how someone is doing based on one encounter or what you see online.
Get their mind off of it: In our emotionally-stunted and grief-illiterate culture, we’ve equated having big feelings to having a problem. The result is our instinct to change the subject, cheer them up, or try to convince them it’s not that bad. Leave toxic positivity behind and meet them where they’re at.
It can’t be painful if it was for a “good reason:” The truth is we can (and do) grieve things, people, places, and even dreams we choose to leave ourselves. We think we’re being helpful by discounting their grief by saying things like, “But you wanted the divorce. This is for the best, because he cheated on you.” Trust me, it’s not helpful.
Five thoughtful ways to show for the griever in your life
A good place to start.
Be timely/Specific: We often ask questions that are too broad in scope and don’t take into account that answers change. In early grief, that answer might change in 10-minute increments. So instead of asking, “How are you doing/feeling?”, try a scale question that emphasizes their current state like, “On a scale of 1 to 5 (5 being the most intense), how is your grief today?” Or perhaps, “What’s the hardest thing about your grief today?”
Don’t wait, just offer: Another common mistake we can make as grief supporters is to say, “Let me know if you need anything.” Oops! It’s okay, we’ve all said it. But grief-brain is real and people, especially in early grief, rarely know what they need. Plus, it puts the burden on them to reach out. Instead, try offering and then let them adjust or say no. It might sound like, “I plan to pick you up your favorite muffins at Costco tonight and then drop them off on your porch later. I can add other things to the cart. What are you craving?”
Mirror/Affirm: I know that people say things that might scare us and we rush to correct them. While there may be a place and time for idea sharing, that comes way later, and only after we check in to see if that is welcome. So instead of responding to “I don’t know how I can live without my person” with a list of solutions, offer, “It makes sense that you’re feeling that way.” While ensuring someone’s safety is important, be careful not to assume.
Safe Space: Most people who are navigating grief have stumbled upon people who’ve made them feel unsafe, or like their grief expression isn’t welcome. Since actions speak louder than words, be careful not to correct them or change the topic abruptly when they express a thought or feeling that you don’t understand or agree with. If you truly intend to show up for your griever, you might offer something like, “I want you to know that you, your grief, and your feelings are safe with me.”
Get curious: One of the most common misunderstandings about death loss is the belief that bringing up their dead person’s name will make the griever feel sad. In fact, the opposite is most often true. Talking about their loved one (or their other loss) makes them feel more connected. You might ask, “Is there a particular memory or quality about your person that’s on your mind today? I’d love to learn more about them.” If it’s not a death loss, we might inquire, “What is something people most misunderstand about what you’re going through?”
A recent public example of showing up meaningfully happened on the podcast, Good Hang with Amy Poehler, where she asked really thoughtful questions of Aubrey Plaza who was recently widowed.
Don’t forget to keep showing up
Many people show up for the funeral. They send flowers after a diagnosis. But fewer keep showing up for the moments that matter most long after the initial event. For profound losses, grief lasts a lifetime. If you have a relationship with this grieving person (e.g. friend, family member, colleague, teammate), showing up meaningfully is not one and done.
There are three things you can do to seed longevity in your support of a grieving person. First, mark your calendar with their important dates, like the anniversary of the death and maybe even relevant birthdays or anniversaries. Secondly, remember that the responsibility to stay in touch is on you, not the griever. Keep reaching out, even when they don’t respond. In fact, let them know you don’t expect a response but that you’ll be there if and when they’re ready. Finally, take notice of their preferences. If you’re not certain, you can always check-in periodically with something like, “I’m wanting to check-in to see if how I’m showing up is helpful right now. You may not have the answer, but please know I’m happy to show up differently if it’s what you need at this time.”
Show up in their mailbox
As a widow who still revisits the cards I received more than 14 years ago, I wanted to make it easier for all of us to show up for one another in meaningful, thoughtful, and even creative ways. That’s why I collaborated with an extraordinary artist, Rachel Kroh of Heartell Press, to create a beautiful brand-new line of empathy cards. The Reimagining Grief Card Collection features 15 woodblock printed card-designs that honor the layered and varied experiences of grief and offer gentle, thoughtful ways to support the people we care about most as they navigate loss. This card collection can be found in stores across the U.S. and online here at Heartell Press.
In honor of National Grief Awareness Day, and for reading this essay all the way through, Rachel and I would like to gift one full set of the Reimagining Grief Card Collection to one of you. In addition, my generous co-host on this Substack, Marisa Renee Lee, is offering a signed copy of her gorgeous book, Grief is Love. And of course, I’m including a signed copy of my book, Grief is a Sneaky Bitch, too.
To enter this giveaway, make sure you’re subscribed to AFGO with Lisa Keefauver, Holding Both with Marisa Renee Lee and It Can Stay a Question by Rachel Kroh. Then, leave a comment on this essay about something you learned or add a suggestion about how you like to show up for others. We will announce the winner next month.
Until next time, I see you, I hear you, and I’m holding you in my heart.
Lisa
