What do you do when the world is on fire?

Choosing Care Over Chaos: Special Edition Substack Featuring Dr. Pooja Lakshmin

My Friends-

How are you today?

I don’t know about you, but my heart is hurting. The images coming out of Los Angeles are unfathomable. The actions that are being committed there and across the country in my name, and many of yours are horrifying, unforgivable, and will have far-reaching consequences. On top of all that, my family is in our final days with my grandmother. The grief I feel for my country plus the anticipatory grief I am carrying as we prepare for my grandmother to pass, make me want to crawl out of my skin. I know I am not alone.

Many of you are living through your own seasons of challenge and uncertainty–it’s probably why you join me here each week. Originally, I planned to share my June Joy List this week, but given all that’s happening around us, I instead want to try and answer a question I have been pondering: How can I bear this moment better? I am a competitive person who is committed to growth. I am always after improvement, but when it comes to grief, fear, and anxiety, is improvement really the goal? No. The goal is healing. So how do you heal in place when things are falling apart all around you? How do you continue to engage with the world when the world causes you pain?

The key to healing, I think, is care. Whatever you’re dealing with right now, whether it be end of school year madness, running a company in the midst of economic uncertainty, or preparing to lose someone you love, is real and requires your attention. But to bear the moment better, you have to start with caring for yourself. Your body, your spirit, and your mind require your attention too, if you hope to be of any use when it comes to facing the very real problems that exist out in the world right now.

Dr. Pooja Lakshmin

When I stumbled on care as the answer to my question, I immediately thought of my friend Dr. Pooja Lakshmin. Dr. Lakshmin and I met virtually before her book, Real Self Care, was released. An NPR Best Book of 2023, Real Self Care provides a compassionate and honest framework for evaluating the care we all need to feel fully human. I am a huge fan of her work, which is both deeply thoughtful and backed by data. Because of her impact, I am giving away a copy of her book this week! Throw your hat in the ring by leaving a comment on this essay below.

Dr. Lakshmin and I collaborated on the advice below, which is meant to help you move through this challenging and emotional time in America and around the world.

• Acknowledgement: According to Dr. Lakshmin, you first have to recognize that your brain and nervous system are likely in some level of fight or flight. During normal times, our to-do lists are often delusional. We think we can do it all in one day, one hour, the next minute. But in times like these when there is so much external chaos and uncertainty, you are processing much more mental, cognitive, emotional stimulation, consciously or unconsciously. To start slowing things down, you need to acknowledge that you may be getting less done or are less productive than usual because you are human. And that's okay.

• Permission: If you don’t first feel, you can’t heal. In the pre-pandemic world, it didn’t really feel appropriate for me to have big feelings about national or global events, but COVID and the murder of George Floyd seemingly changed all of that for me and for many others. We were able to speak more freely and ask for the things we need from those charged to serve us. But now, we’ve seemed to revert back to the ethos of “quiet is better,” and the world doesn’t seem to have room for our feelings anymore. I want to encourage you to embrace those big feelings, even the ones that make you feel small. Let yourself be mad, sad, confused, disorientated, outraged, whatever. In feeling it, you are creating space for personal transformation and healing.

• Community: Dr. Lakshmin and I both agree that community is critical right now. I am 42 and my adult life has been a series of unprecedented times and unfortunately we are in the midst of another one. So when a friend texts to say she’s having a hard time sleeping lately because of the news, I immediately feel less alone. Dr. Lakshmin also says that, “now is the time to deepen the community that you do have that is aligned with the values that you hold dear. Check in on your people.” Check on the people you love and approach them gently since we are all struggling and figure out together how to best support one another. Study after study after study shows that people who have meaningful relationships do better on all levels, so that weekly coffee date, text check-in, or walk on the weekend lasts more than just a moment.

• Joy: Who is going to be in charge of putting this quote from Dr. Lakshmin on a t-shirt: “Joy is part of humanity.” Joy is something we all deserve as a birthright. According to the research that Dr. Lakshmin shared with me, people who experience joy and laughter have lower cortisol levels, are more resilient, and are in better health. Joy buffers stress, and yet it’s easy to feel guilty over the joy we feel while there is so much suffering around us. We need to reframe joy and let go of any guilt associated with it because it’s imperative for our health. When you are bombarded by images of chaos and violence in Los Angeles, it can feel frivolous and even downright irresponsible to host that first big pool party of the summer, but it is actually quite necessary. You experiencing joy does not make the problems in the world worse, but you not experiencing joy may make your mental health worse.

• Be of Service: When you give, it doesn’t just help others. It helps you. All of us here know that you cannot give from an empty cup, so once you’ve moved through the list above in order, ask yourself, “How can I be of service right now?” The answer won’t be the same for all of us because we all have different talents and strengths, and your answer may even shift and change over time. But there is always something you can do for someone else, as long as you’re doing the work to heal and care for yourself. I am choosing, in this season, to write my way to wholeness. To use language as a bridge to help heal myself and others. I cannot do much in my weakened state, but I can always do that.

I genuinely hope this helps you care for yourself right now. Thank you to Dr. Lakshmin for her brilliant advice and leave a comment below to enter the running for a copy of her book!

xxMarisa