Welcome to my Substack: Holding Both

Friends:

First off, thank you for being here! I have been thinking about launching a Substack for over a year now, but, honestly, the idea made me super nervous. 

I’ll be honest, I struggle with commitment. Anything I commit to, I want to know before I start that I can not only do the thing, but that I can execute with excellence and consistency. I was not confident I could do that when the inkling to share my writing with you in this new way came to me. What if I run out of things to write? What if I have nothing to say that will add value to your very busy and full lives? Left to my own devices, I asked and asked and asked myself out of the idea. Then, I suddenly found myself sick and everything changed. 

Pain, whether physical or emotional, is deeply clarifying. (More on what’s going on with me in next week’s newsletter.) Being in pain has clarified what is truly essential to me: my family, my friends, my values, and, especially in this season, my words. It turns out, no matter how much pain I am in or how sick I may be, being a writer is simply part of who I am. I have been writing like crazy this year and now it is time to share my grief and my joy with all of you. 

Being sick has brought into focus something I’ve always known: joy is healing. Has joy kept me from spending hours every week in doctor’s offices, conducting my own medical research, overthinking every move I’ve made in the last year? Absolutely not. But joy has helped keep me sane. Quiet mornings spent on our porch, laughing with my husband and son, watching a great show from my bed, are all things that I know are helping me heal.

In this life, suffering–pain, stress, and grief–are all plentiful, but if you want to live well and love well, you need joy. Joy is a choice at all times, and it becomes an essential choice when life gets hard. It is a well you gather up, filled with each moment that you can then use to water the more difficult parts of life. I'm naming this Substack Holding Both because I also know that deep joy is only possible when we are honest about our pain. This is one of the most important things I inherited from my mother. I know that no matter what I am experiencing, no matter how painful it may be, if I am honest about my pain, I can always reach for joy. Life isn’t about grief or joy, but grief and joy. 

I know this from my mother. My mother Lisa first got sick at 37 with an unknown illness that turned out to be Multiple Sclerosis. By age 45 her body was riddled with breast cancer as well, and a few days after her 49th birthday she was dead. She firmly believed she wouldn’t make it to the summer, so she made a plan to enjoy one of her favorite foods–ice cream–with some of her favorite people. Her friends shopped for hot fudge, sprinkles and a variety of flavors and set a date, Monday March 3rd. Ironically, that day wound up being her funeral.  My mother didn’t make it to the party, but man, did we celebrate her that day.  

I am 41 now, and sitting in the decade my mother died in with my own mysterious illness. This dual grief has made living hard, but joy is what is getting me through. Slow weekend mornings with Bennett and Matt, time spent in nature-even if nature is just my front porch, a connecting conversation with a dear friend are all essential to me right now. I’ve realized that choosing to access joy no matter what is key to my survival today. Life for all of us becomes increasingly uncertain, unstable, and so damn heavy, I think we could all benefit from more joy. 

My goal for this Substack is to build an intentional community of individuals who care about grief, healing, and, naturally, joy. I will never push you to ignore your pain or your sadness. I will instead take care to show you how to deal with challenging emotions and how to hold space for joy no matter what life brings.

So what will you find here?

• Two monthly essays: Twice a month you will hear from me directly about my thoughts and reflections on joy. Those reflections will be rooted in the health crisis I am currently managing, but they may also connect to parenting, writing, running a business, current events, or anything else I find interesting and think you might too! 

• One monthly profile: Once a month I will highlight someone who is doing a great job holding both and has been a role model for me in doing so. These are leaning into the fullness of life, its grief, hope, sadness, joy, and their journeys, I think, are something we can all learn from  

• One monthly joy list: Once a month I will share a list of things that are bringing me joy, assisting me in my grief, and providing comfort during this challenging season. These might include a funny meme, a good recipe, or a product I love. No sponsored or paid content here yet, just things that genuinely make me happy.

• Paid perks: If you choose to become a paid subscriber you will have, above all, my enduring gratitude. With the future there may be other benefits, but . Writing is the thing I love to do more than anything else in the world. As a Black woman, I know I shouldn’t be giving my work away for free, so becoming a paid subscriber today is a clear sign that you support my work. It’s not only a tangible means of support, but also a strong source of morale for me in this season and encouragement to keep going. In the future, I will provide perks for folks who pay, but for today, given my health there are no additional benefits. Just my love and appreciation. 

• My core values:  love, kindness, compassion, community, authenticity, hope, and joy will always be present here!

In my upcoming notes next month you will learn how I define joy, why we don’t need to turn our lemons into lemonade, and how to enact joy no matter your current circumstances or how painful your life may be.   

I am so excited to welcome you here and cannot wait to share more with you in the coming weeks! Here’s hoping you find these notes helpful, find hope in this community, and find your own way of Holding Both, too!

xx Marisa