On Gratitude, Pride, and Lessons Learned

Long Covid, one year later

My Friends-

Before I dive fully in, I have something special to share. Each year in honor of my mom, I typically send Mother’s Day cards out to other women I admire. This year, we are doing a massive Mother’s Day Giveaway with a box full of goodies from my Joy Lists! Items include my favorite Parisian body oil, a massaging eye mask, and a candle from my friend Mya who runs Predominantly Black, among other treats! To enter you have to be a subscriber, comment below, and share this essay. We will be doing this again next week so you have two chances to enter and share!

This week in 2024, I first tested positive for COVID, which means I have sadly, officially, been sick for a year. When those hot pink lines showed up on the testing strip in my bathroom, I figured I would be sick for a week, two tops, then back to normal. I had no idea I was about to lose my health, client and business opportunities, and any sense of normalcy I had come to know. The past year has been filled with unimaginable grief. I can’t pick up my kid, exercise, or work on any sort of normal schedule because I require about four hours of daily rest. I cannot fly, my bourbon collection is going stale, and most of my money goes to my health. I have woken up in some amount of pain every day for an entire year. My chest feels like it is filled with that Liquid Cement from childhood and my head often feels as though it is stuck in a vice. But you know what? This week, as this milestone approached and in its aftermath, I do not feel sad. Instead, my big feeling around Long COVID is an overwhelming sense of gratitude and pride.

I am grateful for my body and all that it has endured this last year. I am grateful for my family and the friends who are also family for adapting and supporting me. I am grateful that no matter what happens to me, I know, now more than ever, that I will find a way to move with grace, hope, and a commitment to my own humanity.

Pride, though, is a different story. Having been raised in the Black church, where I was often reminded, “pride cometh before the fall,” pride is a struggle. It is okay for others to be proud of you, but being proud of yourself makes you “uppity.” Pardon me friends, but fuck that narrative. I am proud of myself for all that I have endured with humility and grace. I’m proud to have a deep well of care and compassion for myself, and for sticking to the truest parts of me as best as I can. That is what I need right now, to look back, see evidence that I’m making it through, and to acknowledge that triumph because it has been anything but easy. So yeah, this Black girl is proud.

I am so very proud of myself for surviving this very hard thing and being able to write about it. This Substack went live thanks to some pushy friends (thank you Emily Oster and Sy Yang!) and a desire to turn to creativity and community instead of loneliness and despair. Waiting for Dawn, my new book, was born from my experience with Long COVID and it’s been an incredible learning process and outlet. I truly cannot wait for you to read it!

Here are some hard-earned lessons that have made it possible to look back at the last year with gratitude and pride:

• Healing Takes a Lifetime: Being sick reminds me of how hard it was having a sick parent as a kid. The parallels have been devastating, but they’ve also prompted a ton of growth. In some ways, being sick has made me closer with my mother even after all these years. I feel like I have a deeper understanding of her experience than ever, and that has been a comfort.

• Your worth is not tied to your productivity: My worth has always been deeply connected to my ability to produce—more than, faster than, and honestly, better than other people. I've spent weeks this year without opening my computer because my eyes hurt too much to use it. I have had to remind myself constantly that my worth as a human being has absolutely nothing to do with how much or little I work. Make no mistake, I’m making less money now, but I need you all to remember to balance where you source your self-worth from because when life gets hard, you may inevitably work less too.

• People will surprise you: This year, my neighbor became a true friend. My lifelong bestie became a much needed colleague. Someone on IG, who I’ve never met in person but who also has Long COVID, has become a lifeline. There are also people who I expected to show up for me who haven’t, and that hurts, but I choose to focus on the surprising ways love and support have flooded into my life. When life is mired in pain and uncertainty, let people show up for you. You never know who or what will make a true difference.

• Your true identity is unalterable: In the midst of this illness, I’ve often felt like I’m losing my sense of self. I can’t cook, work, move, or engage with the world how I’m accustomed to. Things I’ve always been known for are suddenly physically and mentally out of reach. What I know now is that identity, in the truest sense, is about immutable states of being. Nothing can keep me from being a mom and a compassionate, caring human. Our values and the part of ourselves we truly hold dear do not change simply because our external circumstances change.

Next week is all about getting ready for Mother's Day and how to handle the mix of grief and joy many of us experience with that holiday. Then on Mother’s Day itself, we have a special guest essay from my friend Michelle Hord! I can’t wait for you to meet her.

xxMarisa