In Beyoncé We Trust: Volume 2
Thrival Mode
My Friends-
I hate that I’ve started so many of these dispatches by telling you I am struggling, but I am struggling. Grandma Lee is deteriorating, Long COVID is annoying, and my second book is due to my editor in a matter of days. I want to be prepping for a Hot Girl Summer, but it ain’t happening. I am just too weary right now.
After attending Beyoncé I realized I needed a new framework for managing my illness and navigating this period of uncertainty. While finishing up the latest draft of Waiting for Dawn, I have created a new word (alert Merriam Webster!) that perfectly captures my life right now: “thrival.” It’s the act of trying to thrive in the midst of survival. These days, I am not putting pressure on myself to do any one thing, achieve a particular big goal, or even move at the pace I could once maintain. Thrival is more about a deep commitment to living as well as I possibly can during an exceptionally challenging time. Whether you are a mom trying to survive the end of school year madness, a business owner who is also managing a divorce, or a member of the sandwich generation caring for both kids and aging parents at the same time, life can be a lot, so how do we thrive when life gets hard?
When life feels overwhelming, it can seem natural to choose denial, avoidance, or distractions. To reach for social media, retail therapy, or another cocktail. But to leave coping behind and enter a state of thrival, what you need to reach for instead is intention. For some of us, a period of “survival mode” lasts for weeks, months, or even years, and can be brought on by our mental state just as much as life’s tangible curveballs. When we choose to live with intention and deeply commit to being present with our experiences no matter how challenging, a portal opens to thriving. You are able to shift from survival mode to thrival mode when you get honest about what is happening in your life and what will help you to move through it with as much ease as possible. You create space for things like joy and rest and care, even when everything is a mess.
When I think about thrival, I think about my friend Brian Wallace and his wife Sandra Abrevaya. Brian and I met after he was diagnosed with ALS. He and Sandra have two adorable little girls, and like myself, Brian is an Obama kid raised on organizing and community engagement. If you know anything about ALS, you know it is a death sentence, so when he got sick, he decided he wanted to do something about it. He called me because he wanted to start an ALS charity. In my own infinite wisdom I tried to talk him out of it, given how little time he has left with those little girls. I failed, and now Brian’s organization, I am ALS, is number one on the frontlines of identifying, funding, and developing a cure for ALS. My friend is still alive, the organization has secured over a billion dollars in research funding for ALS, and they’ve helped over 600 patients and their families navigate ALS, including my own. Sadly, my younger cousin was diagnosed just last year, and it was Brian and Sandra who stepped in to support her. But that’s not all. In addition to their tireless work on ALS, I have seen them experience tremendous joy especially with their children—beach vacations, skiing, award ceremonies, you name it. I am so proud to know them and so glad Brian didn’t take my advice.
This is what thrival looks like. Brian and Sandra are very honest about how hard their life is. The caretaking toll that Sandra largely bears, the financial toll on their family, the pain that Brian is in, the fear, the grief—they share it all with friends and loved ones. But at the end of the day, they reach for hope and they live with intention. That is what is required to thrive in the midst of survival, in the midst of pain and uncertainty. They are my role models.
When you start to feel as though you cannot do the thing, or that life is too much, I want you to think of Brian and Sandra. Then I want you to slow down and get intentional about your own life. Here are a few questions I suggest working though to help you think about how you can really thrive when life gets hard. This isn’t about making lemonade out of lemons or any of that toxic nonsense, this is about giving yourself the best possible support and care and living a life of intention even when things are hard or uncertain.
What is the problem? Why is it challenging? Money, time, emotionally difficult, etc.
How is it making me feel?
How can others help me?
How do I want to feel on the other side of this challenge when I arrive there?
What does living with intention mean to me in this season?
How can I pursue peace and joy right now?
At Beyoncé, I was just outside of thrival mode. I had an amazing time. I danced and sang and got super lucky, thanks to a friend, that we didn’t have to sit in the rain! I had a blast, but I paid for it after, and part of that payment is my own fault. I have a real bias against wheelchairs. The idea of having to use one is just devastating for me. I know some of that is my own ableism, so I’m naming it, because it’s a common sentiment, especially among newly disabled people. I am working on it, but instead of using one at the concert when I was offered, I trekked though MetLife on foot. By the end of the show, I’d walked miles in a time when I don’t even walk blocks. I beat my body up more than needed by being stubborn instead of honest.
Don’t be me. Tell the truth—to yourself and to others—and do what you need to do to care for yourself so you can thrive no matter what is happening in your life.
With love, intention, and grace,
Marisa
I love this - thrival is just the concept I need for my current life phase. I'm also going to share this with my partner who has long covid. Thank you.