Finding joy in escapism
On doing your best while feeling the worst
My friends-
Last Saturday was truly the most perfect fall day in the Hudson Valley! The sun was shining, the sky was a shade of blue pulled right out of a Crayola box, and the leaves were popping! Best of all, we had no plans, which is my preference–healthy or sick! Fall is my favorite season and it was a glorious day. Except it wasn’t.
I don’t know if it was Long COVID, or a new medication, or some other issue (my body is just so sensitive right now), but I could barely move. My head felt like it was stuck in a vice. My knees were sore and achy even though I haven’t had the slightest bit of exercise in a month (doctor’s orders), and I was exhausted. I’d spent most of the previous day in bed, and yet I was so tired I could hardly get around our house, much less do anything useful or joyful. As I listened to Matt and Bennett head out for weekend donuts, then later go on a bike ride, I sobbed.
There is nothing that upsets me more than not being able to be an active participant in my own family. It’s one thing to not be able to work or write, but missing out on parenting and being present with my boys is a special type of mental anguish. I am doing everything I can to get healthy right now. All the doctors, all the medications, all the fucking tests, and nothing is working. I continue to believe it will all come together, hopefully soon, but what to do in the meantime?
What do we do when our efforts don’t align with the outcome we desire? When our lives become unrecognizable thanks to forces beyond our control, how do we regain control? And most importantly, for me at least, how do we live well with pain?
Sometimes, we escape. Sort of.
When I couldn’t get out of bed, I decided I’d need to bring joy to bed. And no, not in that sense, take your mind out of the gutter! I turned on season one of Emily in Paris. I previously thought the show was a complete waste of time and totally corny (just being honest) but a few friends convinced me to check it out. I loved it! It was still corny as hell, but I loved it nonetheless. As you know from last week’s note, Paris is one of my happy places. The culture, fashion, food–all of it, brings me tremendous joy. If I could, I’d take off for Paris at least twice a year for the shopping alone. Emily in Paris, quickly transported me back to my magical girls birthday trip last year! The bistros featured reminded me of every fabulous meal we enjoyed. The cafes brought me back to the one I stole off to one morning for a solo writing session, in front of an ancient church and beautiful plaza. Hilariously, Emily's trip to the Palais Garnier reminded me of my first night in Paris, when one of my fellow travelers and I accidentally fell asleep in the famed opera house. The show was exactly the distraction I needed on that stunning fall day, stuck in bed but thousands of miles away in spirit.
In grief, distractions aren’t always a bad thing. According to Dr. Lizzie Cleary, a clinical psychologist and expert on coping with grief, “intentional distraction can be a good fit when you’re facing something that cannot be fixed or solved quickly.” That’s not to say that I should have booked a plane ticket to Paris that same day. A healthy dose of “Escapism Joy” requires self-awareness. Dr. Cleary notes that reaching for distractions can be bad when they get in the way of us actually dealing with our feelings. But when we take the time to acknowledge our feelings, it is absolutely OK to then reach for a silly show, a cookie, a nap, whatever! I knew I was angry, sad, and frustrated. I cried and felt sorry for myself for long enough. Then I turned on Netflix and snuggled with my dog.
During the show, Emily’s colleague Luc said about Americans, “Thinking you can escape life is your problem. You can never escape life.” In that moment, I realized that what I was doing wasn’t some negative form of escapism, but actually acceptance, with a side of joy. I couldn’t get out of bed or somehow magically alter my reality so I allowed myself to be transported to Paris via a cheesy but deeply entertaining TV show. I don’t know when this period of illness will be over but while I’m here I’m gonna unapologetically grab joy wherever I can find it.
When life is filled with inescapable grief or pain, what does escapism look like for you?
xx Marisa
PS: All this time spent “escaping” to Paris means I need some croissants. Who knows how I can get sourdough croissants shipped to my house? Please and thank you:)
To be fair to you the show was pretty soporific.