February Joy List

From Lisa Mae Lee to you

My Friends—

Eighteen years ago today, at exactly 5:37pm EST, my mother, Lisa Mae Lee, left this world for whatever comes next. I should have known my mother was going to die that day. My anxiety was so out of control the day before that I knew I needed to go home. So I rearranged my full-time banker schedule and asked my boss for permission to leave, which he immediately granted. I arrived at home the night before she died.

That morning, she was in a lot of pain. She was on a methadone pump full time, and was already heavily medicated, but she was still struggling. I spent the morning calling around to her doctors and pain management experts to figure out what else we could do to help her. If I couldn’t take her illnesses away, I at least wanted her to be comfortable. The answer was essentially “nothing”. She was already on the strongest drugs and could not tolerate opioids, so there was nothing more the doctors could recommend.

Then, someone made a suggestion out of left field: why not try to find some weed? This was 2008, so there were no dispensaries or medical marijuana cards to speak of. This physician suggested I call up some of my high school friends with the full intention of scoring some weed to smoke with my mother. Now, my mom was the ultimate goody two shoes, so the idea that, at forty-nine, she was going to get stoned with her family was totally ridiculous. When I told her what the doctor had suggested, she laughed. And then she collapsed. Within a few hours, she was gone.

My mother’s last communication was laughter. Her joy is my inheritance. So today’s Joy List is all about my mom and things that I am enjoying that I think she would enjoy as well. Some may be familiar finds, but when it comes to my mom, a comfort item never fails. If you decide to try or buy any of them, drop me a comment.

• Girl Scout Cookies: It’s that time of year! My mom’s favorite were the trefoils, yes you can judge her for that-I certainly did. This year, two of Bennett’s dear friends, Mila and Cora, are selling. They’re great kids—one is obsessed with saving the planet and endangered species, and the other one keeps Bennett in line, so I hope you’ll support them with an order or a donation.

  

• Polk Paper: My mom loved stationary, and I’ve got my holiday letter-sending traditions as a result, so I’m sharing my favorite this Black and queer owned company, Polk Paper. They’ve been making stationary for me since 2020 and they primarily focus on large events, corporate branding, and wedding stationary.

• Mundane and Predominantly Black Candles: The amount of times I spent at the Galleria Mall in the Yankee Candle store as a kid is borderline concerning. My mom was truly obsessed. So for you, I have two of my favorite candle shops. Mundane is here in the Hudson Valley. My favorite is their Amber candle. And then, of course, Predominantly Black, a mainstay on these Joy Lists because they just do such a great job. My now-friend Maya founded the company after losing her own father. She used the life insurance money to start the business in his honor and I’m so happy to see her and her company thriving. Right now I’m loving Opulence and Sweet Surrender.

• Eberjey Giselle Pajamas: My mom basically lived in pajamas. She was disabled from the time I was thirteen until she passed right after my twenty-fifth birthday, but she refused to ever look a mess. Her compromise, and later obsession, was fancy pajama’s. Satin, florals, bright colors—everyone knew that was my mom’s thing. I love Eberjay Giselle’s sets because they’re soft, breathable, and easy to maintain. And yes, they can go in the dryer!

  

  My mom in her fancy silk pajamas and my friend from high school Subrina.

• Gluten Free Olive Oil Cake Recipe: Now Lisa Mae Lee had a relentless sweet tooth. So much so that she taught me how to bake when I was around Bennett’s age. Around her birthday last weekend, I made a gluten free olive oil cake that is to die for (no pun intended, it’s just THAT good!). It’s not super sweet, which I like as I get older, but I can just see her eating a slice of this with a cup of coffee first thing in the morning.

  

• Emily Lex Studio Watercolor Set: As a kid, I often witnessed my mom making things. I remember thinking it was weird. Like, “She’s a grown up. Why is she doing arts and crafts?” Of course, now, in my forties, I understand. My friends and I are all doing arts and crafts now in our forties. It feels especially important because as a mom, I want Bennett to see that I have interests outside of working and taking care of him. So a year ago, I took up watercolors. This year for my birthday, Matt and Bennett got me this awesome watercolor set, brushes and a notebook, from Emily Lex Studios and I love it. If you’re looking for something that doesn’t involve a screen or really much thought at all, I highly recommend it. It’s super relaxing, makes me feel like I’m using a different part of my brain than usual, and it’s incredibly joyful.

  

It still feels weird, and honestly a bit like magical thinking to say I wish my mother was here because my life today is so far away from my life with her. It’s hard to reconcile the two realities, but when I indulge in the activities and items that remind me of her, it’s confirmation that my love for her has withstood all the stages of my life. I’d love to know what you’re planning to buy from this Joy List and how you honor your loved ones who are no longer with us. If you need some support to figure out how to do that in a way that feels authentic to you, I did write a stack on managing grief anniversaries last year. All my best to you, friends.

xxMarisa